my Grandma

On Monday November 7th I walked into Grandma's hospital room and she had a big smile on her face..She told me, "I'm going home today."  I toldher, "Good..We have been wanting you home for a while."  We talked for a while and than I had to leave to get the kids from school..Normally I could have Derek help me, but it was his day for dialysis and I needed to get home before he had to leave..The Doctor's arrainged an ambulance to bring her home because it would be more comfortable for her..They said they would call me when they knew the time for her coming home..

I had to prepare her room..The heater needed to be turned on and I had to put the new bright pink sheets I had bought for her on her bed..She has a hospital bed now..They brought it while she wa in the hospital..

She came home about 6pm and had the biggest smile on her face when they brought her in through the front door..I said to everyone,"Look...Grandma is home."  She said the same thing..

They put her in her bed and we all visited for a while..Rosamaria told her that she was not going to fight with her anymore..Grandma laughed and said,"You're not going to fight with me again?" Rosamaria said,"No.." For some reason they two of them liked to fight..It was always play fighting, but it would drive me crazy sometimes..Grandma had some friends come visit her and after a while I went to take a shower..When I got out of the shower I went into Grandma's room and we talked for a few minutes and I asked her if sh was in pain and if she wanted her medicine..She told me yes..I gave her her morphine and five to ten minutes later she went to sleep..

I checked on her when I went to work the next morning and she didn't wake up..My husband checked on her when he went to work and she didn't wake up..We both checked on her when we got home from work and she didn't wake up..

Tuesday November 8th.....This is the worst day ever..I took the kids to school and still kept checking on Grandma. She would not wake up..I was getting scared because I could not get her up..I kept shaking her and shaking her and saying,"Grandma wake up. Grandma wake up." She didn't wake up..Hospice was supposed to come out on Wednesday November 9th, but I called them because I was frantic and I needed help..I told them that Grandma would not wake up..They told me that they would send another hospice company out andthey ere scheduled to be here by 1 or 1:30pm..

I kept going in and checking on Grandma every 10 to 15 minutes and she never woke up..I was so scared..I could not leave the house because I was so scared..Grandma's friend Lissette came over and when I opened the door I was crying and I told her,"I can't wake Grandma up." We both went in and checked on her..It was still the same..I let her visit with Grandma..I kept checking back and it becamse clear that Grandma was nearing the end..I kept crying and still calling her..I kept telling her that I loved her..That we all loved her..She was getting a pained look on her face and you could tell that it was getting harder and harder to breathe..She started foaming at the mouth and I kept cleaning it because I knew she didn't like to be dirty..She made noises like she was drowning, and it was so hard to hear that..Finally, I told her that I loved her and that it was ok..She took a few more breaths and she was gone..I didn't want to believe it..I kept saying,"No.No.No."..I looked for the stethascope and couldn't find it..I took her breathing tube out of her nose to listen for her breathing and there was nothing..I tried putting my ear to her chest adn there was nothing..I put the tube back in her nose because I was hoing that would help..It didn't..My Grandma was gone..I just cried and cried and cried..I was sitting right beside her on the bed when she passed away and my daughter Rosamaria was on my lap..Lissette was on Grandma's other side..I am so gld that she was there with me when it happened..I know she really loved my Grandma and Grandma loved her..

I called my husband and he came home right away..I made several other calls..I was just floating..The hospice nurse arrived a half hour after Grandma passed away and pronounced her dead..I kept hoping she would find a pulse when she checked and when she listened for a heartbeat I kept hoping she would hear something..My sister and her husband Frank came over..Friends Art and his wife Tess came over..I was just numb..I had to make all of the calls to let everyone know that Grandma had passed away..The nurse made the arrangements with the mortuary and they were scheduled to come out at 6pm to get Grandma..So,we had a few hours with her..I went in and out of the room talking to her and telling her how much I loved her, and that I missed her already..

I started having anxiety attacks and when they came to take Grandma they were very nice and professional..I really like how they explained everything to me about what was going to happen..Nothing prepares you for seeing them bring your Grandma out on a gurney in a body bag..That is when it hit all of the kids..Grandma was gone..Everyone was just sobbing..

Grandma left the house 24 hours after she came home..

She did not want to die in a hospital and she did  not want to be hooked up to machines..Grandma came home and was at peace..She knew she was loved and she rested..She never woke up after I gave her her medicine..

Now....Back to the first thing I said..When I walked into the hospital on Monday Grandma said, "I'm going home today." I firmly believe that she was not referring to our house..She was referring to home..To heaven..She knew she was passing and Grandma came home to go home..

I found out the next day that Grandma passed away on what would have been her Mother's birthday..She went home to her Mother, Father, Brother and Sister and to her beloved Fred..

She is at peace now and not suffering anymore..

I will be keeping this blog as long as it takes me to grieve..I was at work this morning and it dawned on me that I could do this..I need an outlet, and this is my choice..I want to share with the world what a wonderful person my Grandma was..I loved her tremendously..She was the one who raised me..She was the one who taught me the things in life that matter and she was the one who instilled in me to be a good person..I miss her so much already..

I love you Grandma.....