bittersweet day today

Today marks the one year anniversary of us living in this house. One of the main reasons we got it was so we could take care of Grandma.. It is very sad that she is no longer with us.

I miss her every day, and my heart aches. I know I will see her again, and that gives me comfort.

My daughter Rosamaria told me yesterday that she misses Grandma a lot...I know exactly how she feels.

missing Grandma

Today I found myself bawling my eyes out in the shower. I'm not sure why, but it just happened. I have been thinking about Grandma a lot today, and I guess it just got to me.

I received in the mail yesterday a notice form the hospice company about grief counseling, and I think I am going to check into it. It won't hurt.

picked up Grandma's ashes

I went to the cemetery and picked up Grandma's ashes this morning. It is sad to see her reduced to a small box.It was such a tiny box. I cried again as I was driving home thinking that I had Grandma with me even though she wasn't with me.

This grieving process really sucks. One minute I am fine, and the next I am crying like a baby.I am just trying to take things one day at a time.That is the best I can do right now.

I feel I let her down

Grandma has wanted to know the history of this house that we now live in. I know that it was built in one spot and was moved to the spot it is in now. I know it is 101 years old. I saw the name of the lady who owned the house before us on all of the paperwork, and I knew where she lived because my husband has her on his newspaper route as a customer. I kept meaning to go knock on her door and she if she wouldn't mind coming over and tell my Grandma the history. I never got around to it.

My husband was outside today putting the Christmas decorations up and I went outside to put something in the mailbox, and he was talking to a lady. it happened to be the lady who used to live here before we bought it. She grew up in this house. I told her that my Grandma had passed away, but hd wanted to know the history of the house. She told me that her daughter was putting something together on the computer and she would bring it to me when it was done.

I am grateful that she stopped by, but sad that I never did that for my Grandma.

bad day today

Today marks two weeks since Grandma has passed away, and it is also the day which she was cremated..I was able to go and view her one more time before they cremated her..I feel a bit of peace doing that, but also a bit of sadness..She was so cold from being in the freezer for so long, and her face didn't look as it had before..It almost didn't look like my Grandma..She had the same hair, but she also seemed to have more wrinkles on her face..Maybe I just never noticed them before because she was so beautiful and always smiling that it never seemed like she had them.

I miss my Grandma that is for sure..I have good days and I have bad days..The hardest right now for me is when I take the kids to school..Grandma is not home when I get back and there is this big empty void I have to fill..I know in time it will get better, but for now it is sill so raw..

My husband has been so great throughout all of this..He just holds me when I start crying and is so patient about everything..Today I had no desire to do anything..It was a free for all for dinner..I just wanted to sleep away the pain..

The kids are wonderful also..Derek just got home from going to a friends house and asked what was for dinner..I told him it was a free for all..Whatever he wanted..The little ones got bologna sandwiches..I still have not eaten..

My faith is what keeps me strong right now..I know I will see my Grandma again.

a heavy heart and a weepy day

I start out the day fine..I get up and go to work..I am on auto-pilot, but that is ok..It has been very theraputic for me going to work..First, I have to..I can't call in sick to my job..Second, it has allowed me to get my job done, but still grieve at the same time..I can pull over to the side of the street and cry if I need to and not worry about anything..If I worked in retail or something where I was around a lot of people I would not have been able to do it.

Today I took the kids to school and as I was walking home I reallized that I had turned down a completely different street and started wondering where I was at..I was again on auto-pilot and did not even realize I had turned down a different street until I was half way down..No harm done..I still made it home, but it was all I could do to keep from crying as I was walking down the street.

My heart is just so heavy right now..Plain and simple I miss my Grandma..It is hard being around people right now because I get so weepy..

I had anxiety attacks right after it happened, and once in a while I feel as though one is coming on..I had a blessing from someone at Church to get me through this and for comfort..It does help, but there are days when the grief is too much to handle..

These are the days where I need to be careful..Part of me wants to eat to deal with the pain, and part of me can't eat..I hate days like this, but I am doing what I can to get through them as normal as possible..

Grandma's flowers

So, I decided to help Grandma out by taking a gardening and landscaping class since I know nothing about the subject..It took forever to get here in the mail as it is an online course, but it finally got here...right before she went into the hospital..Needless to say I have not picked it up yet to start the course..I guess it would be a good idea to do it as I can still take care of her flowers and maybe make the yard nice for her..

I just hate gardening, but I guess I should get my butt in gear and keep my promise to her..I know it would have made her happy for me to take care of the flowers for her.

I will picture her smiling as I make the yard nice..I will learn how to take care of everything.

The one thing she loved about this house that she didn't like about her old house is that the deer always ate her roses at the old house and they never touched them here..She was able to see them every day and I would cut one for her and put it in a vase by her side so she could enjoy them..When I would take her to dialysis and we would go down the stairs the roses would always be right there and she would smile and tell me about them..

I need to learn how to care for them properly..I can at least do that for her..

Today was a hard day emotionally..I was trying to stay busy as today marks one week exactly that she passed away..I happened to look at the clock as I was washing the dishes and it was the exact time she passed..

I do know things will get better in time, but everything is so raw..

My faith is what keeps me going..The fact that I have a loving Heavenly Father and I know she is with him and she is not suffering anymore is the greatest joy I could have now..

Grandma's smile

My Grandma had the most wonderful smile in the world..She could be in the most horrendous pain and still have the biggest smile on her face..She was always happy..

When I would take her to dialysis and pick her back up she would always be happy to see me..Even when things went wrong and she would have a bleed and need to sit in the chair longer to stop the bleeding she would always be smiling..

I miss her smile..

agony

It was getting harder and harder for Grandma..She was getting more and more tired and wanted to stay in bed more often..The day I took her to the hospital I was growing more and more concerned..She wanted to stay in bed all day and she didn't want to eat..I was going to call the Doctor as soon as I got Juan from school..As it happens she called me, and it happened to be the one day I left my cell phone at home..

I called the Doctor back, and she told me that I needed to get Grandma to the emergency because she had too much fluid in her lungs..I had taken her for a chest xray two days prior..I wnt into her room and told her I was taking her to the hospital..She told me,"No." I told her that her Doctor said she needed to go..She didn't argue with me after that..I had a feeling they were going to keep her and they did..I was to take her to emergency and they were waiting for her already.

I pulled up in front of the emergency and put her in her wheelchair and got her registered inside..I then went and parked the car and by the time I got back they had already taken her into a room..They told me which room and when I went there she wasn't there..I had to ask someone where she was..After some checking they found out that she was put into a different room altogether..I was panicked at first wondering where she was..

I stayed with her as I have always done in the past..This was not our first trip to the emergency room..I watched the doctors do an ultrasound of her lungs and also her heart..There were so many people there checking on her..When I finally found out what roon she was going to be in as they were going to admit her I headed for home..

The following days were agony..They started soing aggressive dialysis to get the fluid out of her lungs..She ended up losing 15 pounds because of this..She was 97 pounds when I took her into the hospital..Now she was down to 82 pounds..It was very hard seeing her like that..My Grandma used to be so healthy..

They ended up doing a lung tap to try and get the fluid out and punctured her lung which collapsed..They put a tube into her chest to get air into her lungs and she was in the intensive care unit..I was there every day and she always had a smile on her face when I walked in..She was tired though..A lot of times she would fall asleep while I was there..

She was finally taken out of intensive care and put into another room where they still continued doing dialysis..The Doctor kept talking to me and hinting that her quality of life was not the best being on the dialysis..I started crying because I knew what she was getting at..I was losing my Grandma and I just couldn't handle it..

My husband and I went up there one Saturday and I noticed there was aplan on her board for discharge that day..I immediately called the nurse and asked what was going on..They told me they were transferring Grandma to the Kaiser rehab unit in San Leandro..There they would work with her and try to get her stamina up so she could have more energy and walk again..After having lost so much weight she had a very hard time walking and she had no energy..She also had no appetite..

I tried everything to get her to eat..Nothing worked..I took her to dialysis and it was very hard getting her in and out of the car..She just had no strength left..Her last eek of dialysis at her center they transported her from the rehab center to her dialysis unit..I went there every day and visited her..It was so hard seeing her there because she looked so uncomfortable..It was hard for her to sit for long periods of time..

On Friday the 4th I was supposed to go to the rehab center and have a meeting with her Doctor..The Doctor called me as I was on my way in..Grandma had actually asked me for a Kasper's hot dog..Darn it...If she wanted a hot dog she was going to get a hot dog..The dietician told me it was too salty..I told her that at this point since my Grandma wasn't eating that much at all if she asked for anything I was going to get it for her..

Needless to say she didn't get her hot dog since the Doctor had called me..After consulting with the Doctor she recommended Grandma either be sent back to the hospital ot stop dialysis and stay at the rehab center..I told her that was Grandma's decision..Grandma was fully aware of everything up until the day she passed away..I am thankful for that..

I told Grandma what the Doctor had said and she chose to go back to the hospital..I told the nurses and they made the arrangements..I got  there later as  had to get my children from school..

Grandma told them in the emergency room that she didn't want any heroics..They ended up giving her a blood transfusion because she was anemic..They admitted her again..

On Saturday we were just getting ready to go to the hospital when the Doctor told me that Grandma was asking for Kentucky Fried Chicken..She loved her chicken..She did get her chicken..She ate a whole piece and also the corn on the cob and also some bacon..She also loved her bacon..I was so happy to see her eat..She had  not had that much to eat in a long time.

The Doctors came in and asked her if she wanted to continue dialysis..She told them probaby not..

I went to Church Sunday as I always do and the Doctor called me twice while I was there but since my phone was on vibrate I didn't know until Church was over that he had called..I immediately called and told them I was on my way up there..We had planned to go there after Church.. I spoke with the Doctor and was told that Grandma wanted to stop dialysis..I think deep down I already knew, but just hearing it I broke down..I knew what that meant..I was losing my Grandma..

She was in agony..The pain was just terrible..I didn't like seeing her in such pain, and I felt she was hanging on for me..Now I am the one in agony..I am crying all of the time..

I know I will see her again and she will not be in pain when I do see her..I am greatful for all of the Doctors who took such great care of her..They were all very compassionate..

I miss my Grandma..I love her so much...

my Grandma

On Monday November 7th I walked into Grandma's hospital room and she had a big smile on her face..She told me, "I'm going home today."  I toldher, "Good..We have been wanting you home for a while."  We talked for a while and than I had to leave to get the kids from school..Normally I could have Derek help me, but it was his day for dialysis and I needed to get home before he had to leave..The Doctor's arrainged an ambulance to bring her home because it would be more comfortable for her..They said they would call me when they knew the time for her coming home..

I had to prepare her room..The heater needed to be turned on and I had to put the new bright pink sheets I had bought for her on her bed..She has a hospital bed now..They brought it while she wa in the hospital..

She came home about 6pm and had the biggest smile on her face when they brought her in through the front door..I said to everyone,"Look...Grandma is home."  She said the same thing..

They put her in her bed and we all visited for a while..Rosamaria told her that she was not going to fight with her anymore..Grandma laughed and said,"You're not going to fight with me again?" Rosamaria said,"No.." For some reason they two of them liked to fight..It was always play fighting, but it would drive me crazy sometimes..Grandma had some friends come visit her and after a while I went to take a shower..When I got out of the shower I went into Grandma's room and we talked for a few minutes and I asked her if sh was in pain and if she wanted her medicine..She told me yes..I gave her her morphine and five to ten minutes later she went to sleep..

I checked on her when I went to work the next morning and she didn't wake up..My husband checked on her when he went to work and she didn't wake up..We both checked on her when we got home from work and she didn't wake up..

Tuesday November 8th.....This is the worst day ever..I took the kids to school and still kept checking on Grandma. She would not wake up..I was getting scared because I could not get her up..I kept shaking her and shaking her and saying,"Grandma wake up. Grandma wake up." She didn't wake up..Hospice was supposed to come out on Wednesday November 9th, but I called them because I was frantic and I needed help..I told them that Grandma would not wake up..They told me that they would send another hospice company out andthey ere scheduled to be here by 1 or 1:30pm..

I kept going in and checking on Grandma every 10 to 15 minutes and she never woke up..I was so scared..I could not leave the house because I was so scared..Grandma's friend Lissette came over and when I opened the door I was crying and I told her,"I can't wake Grandma up." We both went in and checked on her..It was still the same..I let her visit with Grandma..I kept checking back and it becamse clear that Grandma was nearing the end..I kept crying and still calling her..I kept telling her that I loved her..That we all loved her..She was getting a pained look on her face and you could tell that it was getting harder and harder to breathe..She started foaming at the mouth and I kept cleaning it because I knew she didn't like to be dirty..She made noises like she was drowning, and it was so hard to hear that..Finally, I told her that I loved her and that it was ok..She took a few more breaths and she was gone..I didn't want to believe it..I kept saying,"No.No.No."..I looked for the stethascope and couldn't find it..I took her breathing tube out of her nose to listen for her breathing and there was nothing..I tried putting my ear to her chest adn there was nothing..I put the tube back in her nose because I was hoing that would help..It didn't..My Grandma was gone..I just cried and cried and cried..I was sitting right beside her on the bed when she passed away and my daughter Rosamaria was on my lap..Lissette was on Grandma's other side..I am so gld that she was there with me when it happened..I know she really loved my Grandma and Grandma loved her..

I called my husband and he came home right away..I made several other calls..I was just floating..The hospice nurse arrived a half hour after Grandma passed away and pronounced her dead..I kept hoping she would find a pulse when she checked and when she listened for a heartbeat I kept hoping she would hear something..My sister and her husband Frank came over..Friends Art and his wife Tess came over..I was just numb..I had to make all of the calls to let everyone know that Grandma had passed away..The nurse made the arrangements with the mortuary and they were scheduled to come out at 6pm to get Grandma..So,we had a few hours with her..I went in and out of the room talking to her and telling her how much I loved her, and that I missed her already..

I started having anxiety attacks and when they came to take Grandma they were very nice and professional..I really like how they explained everything to me about what was going to happen..Nothing prepares you for seeing them bring your Grandma out on a gurney in a body bag..That is when it hit all of the kids..Grandma was gone..Everyone was just sobbing..

Grandma left the house 24 hours after she came home..

She did not want to die in a hospital and she did  not want to be hooked up to machines..Grandma came home and was at peace..She knew she was loved and she rested..She never woke up after I gave her her medicine..

Now....Back to the first thing I said..When I walked into the hospital on Monday Grandma said, "I'm going home today." I firmly believe that she was not referring to our house..She was referring to home..To heaven..She knew she was passing and Grandma came home to go home..

I found out the next day that Grandma passed away on what would have been her Mother's birthday..She went home to her Mother, Father, Brother and Sister and to her beloved Fred..

She is at peace now and not suffering anymore..

I will be keeping this blog as long as it takes me to grieve..I was at work this morning and it dawned on me that I could do this..I need an outlet, and this is my choice..I want to share with the world what a wonderful person my Grandma was..I loved her tremendously..She was the one who raised me..She was the one who taught me the things in life that matter and she was the one who instilled in me to be a good person..I miss her so much already..

I love you Grandma.....