tears are flowing

I finally decided to go through a box that was sitting in my hallway since before Grandma passed away. There were some clothes that she wanted to get rid of since they didn't fit anymore.

I told myself that I could do it. There were only five items of clothes in the box. I just broke down. It has been almost five months and I still can't go into her room let alone fold five pieces of clothing.

Everyone keeps telling me that time will heal. In know it will, but when???? The day to day things are getting a bit easier although her wheelchair is still sitting in the same spot and her walker is still in the hallway.

I think a part of me feels that if I get rid of the things that she would have not been here. I know that is absurd, but I just can't bear to part with things.....and they are just things. I don't have her anymore yet I can't bring myself to empty out her closet or her drawers.

Juan and I were going to move into her room, but I just can't do it. I told Juan the other day that I don't want to go in there to sleep. That is where she passed away and I just don't want to go through that with the memories. So, we are thinking about moving our room upstairs. It might be better for me, and when I was up there the other day it was completely quiet. I need that. I hardly every get that, and my little ones just don't understand why I need quiet sometimes. Not that I don't love the sound of their voices, but once in a while a bit of quiet is necessary.

Still missing Grandma every day..I love you Grandma...

It's been a while

It has been a while since I have written about my Grandma. I needed time to heal. I still have rather bad days, but I also know that they will get better.

I still can't go into Grandma's room. I had wanted around Christmas time to give some of her cklothes to a women's shelter, but I just couldn't do it. I open the door and I start crying. I finally asked a friend if she would be willing to help me go through Grandma's things and she said yes. So, when I am ready I will give her a call and we can begin the process of going through everything.

Most of her things are still in the same place. Her gloves are still on the table and her coats are still on the coat rack in the entryway. I know I have to remove them, but I just can't.

Anyway, I am trying to take things one day at a time. I still cry a lot, but it has gotten better.

bittersweet day today

Today marks the one year anniversary of us living in this house. One of the main reasons we got it was so we could take care of Grandma.. It is very sad that she is no longer with us.

I miss her every day, and my heart aches. I know I will see her again, and that gives me comfort.

My daughter Rosamaria told me yesterday that she misses Grandma a lot...I know exactly how she feels.

missing Grandma

Today I found myself bawling my eyes out in the shower. I'm not sure why, but it just happened. I have been thinking about Grandma a lot today, and I guess it just got to me.

I received in the mail yesterday a notice form the hospice company about grief counseling, and I think I am going to check into it. It won't hurt.

picked up Grandma's ashes

I went to the cemetery and picked up Grandma's ashes this morning. It is sad to see her reduced to a small box.It was such a tiny box. I cried again as I was driving home thinking that I had Grandma with me even though she wasn't with me.

This grieving process really sucks. One minute I am fine, and the next I am crying like a baby.I am just trying to take things one day at a time.That is the best I can do right now.

I feel I let her down

Grandma has wanted to know the history of this house that we now live in. I know that it was built in one spot and was moved to the spot it is in now. I know it is 101 years old. I saw the name of the lady who owned the house before us on all of the paperwork, and I knew where she lived because my husband has her on his newspaper route as a customer. I kept meaning to go knock on her door and she if she wouldn't mind coming over and tell my Grandma the history. I never got around to it.

My husband was outside today putting the Christmas decorations up and I went outside to put something in the mailbox, and he was talking to a lady. it happened to be the lady who used to live here before we bought it. She grew up in this house. I told her that my Grandma had passed away, but hd wanted to know the history of the house. She told me that her daughter was putting something together on the computer and she would bring it to me when it was done.

I am grateful that she stopped by, but sad that I never did that for my Grandma.

bad day today

Today marks two weeks since Grandma has passed away, and it is also the day which she was cremated..I was able to go and view her one more time before they cremated her..I feel a bit of peace doing that, but also a bit of sadness..She was so cold from being in the freezer for so long, and her face didn't look as it had before..It almost didn't look like my Grandma..She had the same hair, but she also seemed to have more wrinkles on her face..Maybe I just never noticed them before because she was so beautiful and always smiling that it never seemed like she had them.

I miss my Grandma that is for sure..I have good days and I have bad days..The hardest right now for me is when I take the kids to school..Grandma is not home when I get back and there is this big empty void I have to fill..I know in time it will get better, but for now it is sill so raw..

My husband has been so great throughout all of this..He just holds me when I start crying and is so patient about everything..Today I had no desire to do anything..It was a free for all for dinner..I just wanted to sleep away the pain..

The kids are wonderful also..Derek just got home from going to a friends house and asked what was for dinner..I told him it was a free for all..Whatever he wanted..The little ones got bologna sandwiches..I still have not eaten..

My faith is what keeps me strong right now..I know I will see my Grandma again.